heston blumenthal's black forest gateau

...takes two or three days to prepare. It involves using a dyson, several plastic bags, a cocktail shaker, paint rollers and trays, an aerosol spray, lots of banging things on counters and sweat. This homage to Seventies kitsch cooking takes so much effort to make that you would actually lose weight just making it.

However, I think Heston is missing a trick here. All the layers in his gateau have a perfectly acceptable, ready made, authentically 1970s equivalent which means you could knock together a Blumenthaley-stylee-gateau in about ten minutes and save a load of money. So here is my alternative recipe:

For the biscuit base - use two or four Jaffa Cakes (this saves you having to make the apricot compote)

Place a bar of milk chocolate Aero on the top of the base

Add a layer of chocolate Instant Whip

Add some cherries (glace or tinned)

Add a good thick slice of chocolate Swiss Roll which has been soaked in kirsch

Add another Aero (optional)

Add another layer of Instant Whip

Add some more cherries and some whipped cream (fresh or spray.)

You can freeze this or eat it straight away - it really doesn't matter. If you're really lazy you could put all the ingredients on the table and ask your guests to assemble it themselves. The only thing I can't decide on is how to get the final suede effect - probably a good layer of Hundreds and Thousands would do... failing that I suppose you could use real suede.